Author: Zoe Olivo, MA, LPC-A Supervised by Guillermo Castañeda, LPC-S

Setting Effective Boundaries

Most people know the story of The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein, and often praise the book as it deals with sharing and selflessness. The story covers a tree that is constantly providing for a little boy throughout his life, from small things like giving him leaves to make a crown, to inviting him to cut down the tree to make a boat. The tree continuously gives to the boy, even when there’s nothing left of her. While this can be a sweet story from the lens of sharing and selflessness, it also tells of the dangers of lacking boundaries. There is nothing left of the tree besides a stump, which the boy, now an elderly man, sits.

We can give and give until there’s nothing left of us, stating that it’s because we love others and only want to be of service. However, that’s not a sustainable and healthy way of living. When we give so much of ourselves, there’s barely anything left of us to continue giving at later points in time. It’s an exhaustive way of living.

So, why am I telling you about a book written for preschoolers?

Because it demonstrates the need for effective boundaries today.

Before we delve into the definition of boundaries, let’s examine whether you may be needing effective boundaries.

Do you often say yes to others when you would like to say no?

Do you spread yourself thin with responsibilities that your health and well-being start to suffer?

Do you experience anger, self-blame, and burnout as you struggle with having your needs met and respected?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you may be in need of establishing effective boundaries.

So, what are boundaries?

Boundaries are the guidelines in which we tell others and ourselves how we would like to be treated. They can involve our holistic well-being, our personal space, our values and beliefs, work responsibilities, our time and energy, just to name a few. Boundaries demonstrate respect for ourselves and others. They are important because they protect our energy and prevent burnout and exhaustion. Without effective boundaries, we are open to people who will take advantage, manipulate, and coerce us. Upholding boundaries in our relationships demonstrates what behaviors we expect from others without controlling them. It allows for respect and understanding that we are more than the role we fulfill in that relationship and setting.

Some examples of boundaries include:

  • Saying no to someone because you don’t want to engage in an uncomfortable activity.
  • Suggesting a different time to talk about a certain topic when both people have calmed down enough to speak respectfully to one another.
  • Turning down overtime at work when you’ve been feeling overworked.
  • Putting your private and personal items in a locked drawer in your bedroom.
  • Setting up a cut-off time for answering messages from work.
  • These boundaries may be difficult to enforce when we are conditioned to think it’s selfish.

What is selfishness?

Selfishness is described as the prioritization of one’s life and pleasure above all others’ needs and considerations. Someone is selfish when they consistently act in their own interests across every situation and regardless of the impact to others. While boundaries do consist of prioritizing ourselves and our needs, we do not go to the extent of disregarding others. Additionally, boundaries are different in rigidity and consideration than selfishness. You can alter the boundaries to best fit the situation, including making them more flexible if the considerations of the situation need to be prioritized more. There is nothing inherently selfish about wanting to be comfortable, safe, and alive. Boundaries enable this possibility.

It’s understandable to feel selfish when setting boundaries due to the cultural importance of selflessness. We care about others and want to avoid disrupting harmony with all of our relationships. It may feel like you’re betraying the trust and commitment that others have placed on you or create an awkward situation where letting people down is a possibility. While these are all important to be aware of, it is healthy to attend to yourself when necessary. Generosity and compassion are fantastic qualities to cultivate in ourselves, but any situation requires balance to be healthy. Again, boundaries allow for balance to be cultivated.

There are a few considerations to be mindful of when setting boundaries.

  1. Keep in mind that setting boundaries depends on the uniqueness of the person, situation, and setting. There will need to be a balance of rigidity and flexibility based on what that context needs. For some contexts there may need to be very rigid boundaries, and others may need more flexible boundaries. It is important to reflect and reassess your boundaries periodically, to ensure it fits the context.
  2. There might also be a surprise reaction in some settings if those people have never had boundaries in that setting before. Beware of those who may attempt to manipulate you to feel guilty about setting those boundaries. Embrace those that see the boundary setting as an opportunity to understand more of you and the collective responsibility you hold.
  3. We want to use empathy and sensitivity when communicating our boundaries. Be cautious to avoid using aggression in boundary setting. Some people have the misconception that setting boundaries involves getting into arguments and demonstrating intimidating behaviors to be firm when it is the practice of allowing only respectful interactions in that context.

It is not an easy process to set effective boundaries when dealing with these considerations; however, it becomes easier when we recognize our worth and the respect we deserve. Boundaries are not going to keep other people happy, but they will protect your well-being. Think of setting boundaries more as strengthening our relationships with others instead of building walls to keep others out.

So now that we’ve covered the intricacies of working with boundaries, how do we begin to set them?

  1. Check-in with your body using a body scan. Our bodies are very intuitive with informing us how feel emotionally and somatically about a person, situation, or setting.
    1. Does spending time in this setting, situation, or with this person drain you or fill you with energy?
    2. What emotions do you experience when in these contexts?
  2. Practice being in the present using mindfulness exercises. This allows your body to connect with your mind.
    1. Breathing exercises and meditations are good examples of mindfulness.
  3. Acknowledge your needs and attend to them. Assess your rights and determine which ones are not being respected.
    1. What does your body need at the moment? Does it need space? Food? Rest?
    2. Do you feel that you can say no without feeling guilty? Do you feel that you are treated with respect? Do you feel that you are allowed to not meet the unreasonable expectations of yourself created by others?
  4. Communicate your needs clearly in the form of a boundary.
    1. “I felt (emotion) when (action that was performed). Moving forward, I need (replacement action).” This is a good template to use when communicating your needs. Be cautious of placing blame, focus completely on the action and not on the person who acted.
    2. Assertive language is nonnegotiable and prevents miscommunication.
    3. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence without providing an explanation.
  5. Reach out for support, if needed.
    1. Delegate responsibilities if we are overwhelmed with what we’ve taken on.
    2. Seek out therapy if the burnout and mental exhaustion is overwhelming to handle or if you’re experiencing difficulties with setting or asserting boundaries.
    3. Rely on your support system to discuss the impact of the burden of responsibility.

One last thought is that everyone is deserving of respect and understanding of their personal space and tolerance. Including you.

If you would like to reach out to one of our mental health counselors for assistance in setting boundaries, please contact (915) 209-1234 for more information.

References

Chesak, J. (2018, December 10). The no BS guide to protecting your emotional space. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries

Domelle, A. (2019, January 10). How to set boundaries in relationships without feeling selfish. Medium. https://medium.com/thrive-global/how-to-set-boundaries-in-relationships-without-feeling-selfish-c95e26d8b3ed

The Keely Group. (n.d.). Is setting boundaries selfish? Or is it healthy? The Keely Group Online Therapy. https://www.onlinetherapynyc.com/blog/is-setting-boundaries-selfish-or-is-it-healthy

Mort, S. (2021, May 16). Are boundaries selfish? The answer is more complicated than you think. Dr Soph. https://drsoph.com/blog/are-boundaries-selfish-or-controlling

Feeling Like an Imposter? The Impact of Imposter Syndrome and How to Cope with It

Feeling Like an Imposter?

The Impact of Imposter Syndrome and How to Cope with It

“I’m not good enough to be here.”

“What am I doing here?”

“Will they notice I don’t belong here and fire me?”

“I’m a fraud. Everyone will know.”

I

f you have these thoughts, chances are that you may be dealing with Imposter Syndrome. This phenomenon includes thoughts and feelings of self-doubt and incompetence that continue despite having background knowledge, experience, and accomplishments important to the position.

A person impacted by this phenomenon won’t believe they earned their success through their own merits and worry that their peers or employers will come to the same realization. Minor errors at work just reinforce this perception of yourself.

Imposter syndrome can impact anyone in any position or profession. Possible causes of Imposter Syndrome include: parental rearing or childhood environment, personality traits, current mental health status, new expectations and responsibilities, institutionalized racism, and gender bias.

Now that there is an understanding of what Imposter Syndrome is, we’re going to break-down the five types of Imposter Syndrome, the impact of Imposter Syndrome, and how to reduce the impact on your life.

The 5 Types of Imposter Syndrome

The Perfectionist

If Imposter Syndrome shows up in this type, the person may focus on how things are done to the point that perfection is expected of themselves in every area of their life. Additionally, they will not acknowledge the hard work they’ve invested and may criticize themselves for any errors, seeing them as failures.

The Natural Genius

The Natural Genius type will appear in people who spend their lives easily picking up new skills and believe new information and processes should be understood easily as well. This relates to Imposter Syndrome when they begin to have difficulty with tasks because they feel that competent people would not have any difficulty with these tasks.

The Soloist/Individualist

In this type of Imposter Syndrome, the person believes that they should be competent enough to not need help from others with tasks. If they are not able to successfully complete those tasks individually, they feel like frauds.

The Expert

This type will be observed in people who believe that they should have all the knowledge they need internally. If they are not able to answer questions or find out they were not aware of certain knowledge, they feel like failures.

The Superhero

The Superhero type often appears in people who connect competence to their capability of succeeding in every role they take on in their lives. Imposter Syndrome comes in if they are unable to successfully fulfill role demands and expectations.

This is merely an introduction to the five types of Imposter Syndrome, and we hope to elaborate on them in a future blog.

The Impact of Imposter Syndrome

            Imposter Syndrome can leave a lasting impact and overbearing burden on a person if they are not able to cope with the phenomenon. Since people are experiencing these thoughts of self-doubt and incompetence, they end up working harder than they usually would and placing higher expectations on themselves – leading to mental health issues and, ironically, poorer work performance. These thoughts of self-doubt and incompetence fuel anxiety, depression, guilt, and stress. The combination of these mental health symptoms then leads to a lack of sleep and inability to focus. If these symptoms are not worked through using effective coping skills, it can lead to other psychological and physiological symptoms.

How to Reduce the Impact of Imposter Syndrome

Sometimes our frequently used coping strategies may not work with certain phenomena, including Imposter Syndrome. There are plenty of ways to work through this self-doubt, including:

  • Discussing your feelings and thoughts with your peers, friends, coworkers, family, and mentors.
    • They may be feeling something similar and can provide insight on how they worked through the experience.
  • Recognizing your experience, knowledge, and competence.
    • It takes a lot of work to get where you are in your position or profession, and you would not have been able to get there by doing nothing.
  • Challenging your self-doubt.
    • It’s important to question whether the facts support the thoughts and feelings you have about yourself.
  • Avoid comparing yourself with others around you.
    • We are all unique in our own ways and comparing ourselves is not an accurate comparison.
  • Seek help if your symptoms worsen.
    • It can be hard to do this on our own and there is nothing wrong with needing help from a therapist, church leader, etc. to help you work through it.

Imposter Syndrome can be a difficult phenomenon to work through, especially when it feels so real and scary. However, it can be worked through if you have the right tools at your disposal. You are competent. You have the experience for the position you’re in. You’ve proved to your peers time and time again how you’re deserving of the role. Now, all you must do is allow yourself to believe it as well.

My hope for you is to see your worth in your role, profession, or position. If you would like more information, please contact our office at: (915) 209-1234.

                        Kindly,

                                 Zoe Olivo, LPC-Associate Supervised by Guillermo A. Castañeda, LPC-S

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