Category: Relationships

Communication Relationships Self-improvement By Zoe Olivo, MA, LPC-A Supervised by Guillermo Castañeda, LPC-S 0 Comments

Setting Effective Boundaries

Most people know the story of The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein, and often praise the book as it deals with sharing and selflessness. The story covers a tree that is constantly providing for a little boy throughout his life, from small things like giving him leaves to make a crown, to inviting him to cut down the tree to make a boat. The tree continuously gives to the boy, even when there’s nothing left of her. While this can be a sweet story from the lens of sharing and selflessness, it also tells of the dangers of lacking boundaries. There is nothing left of the tree besides a stump, which the boy, now an elderly man, sits.

We can give and give until there’s nothing left of us, stating that it’s because we love others and only want to be of service. However, that’s not a sustainable and healthy way of living. When we give so much of ourselves, there’s barely anything left of us to continue giving at later points in time. It’s an exhaustive way of living.

So, why am I telling you about a book written for preschoolers?

Because it demonstrates the need for effective boundaries today.

Before we delve into the definition of boundaries, let’s examine whether you may be needing effective boundaries.

Do you often say yes to others when you would like to say no?

Do you spread yourself thin with responsibilities that your health and well-being start to suffer?

Do you experience anger, self-blame, and burnout as you struggle with having your needs met and respected?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you may be in need of establishing effective boundaries.

So, what are boundaries?

Boundaries are the guidelines in which we tell others and ourselves how we would like to be treated. They can involve our holistic well-being, our personal space, our values and beliefs, work responsibilities, our time and energy, just to name a few. Boundaries demonstrate respect for ourselves and others. They are important because they protect our energy and prevent burnout and exhaustion. Without effective boundaries, we are open to people who will take advantage, manipulate, and coerce us. Upholding boundaries in our relationships demonstrates what behaviors we expect from others without controlling them. It allows for respect and understanding that we are more than the role we fulfill in that relationship and setting.

Some examples of boundaries include:

  • Saying no to someone because you don’t want to engage in an uncomfortable activity.
  • Suggesting a different time to talk about a certain topic when both people have calmed down enough to speak respectfully to one another.
  • Turning down overtime at work when you’ve been feeling overworked.
  • Putting your private and personal items in a locked drawer in your bedroom.
  • Setting up a cut-off time for answering messages from work.
  • These boundaries may be difficult to enforce when we are conditioned to think it’s selfish.

What is selfishness?

Selfishness is described as the prioritization of one’s life and pleasure above all others’ needs and considerations. Someone is selfish when they consistently act in their own interests across every situation and regardless of the impact to others. While boundaries do consist of prioritizing ourselves and our needs, we do not go to the extent of disregarding others. Additionally, boundaries are different in rigidity and consideration than selfishness. You can alter the boundaries to best fit the situation, including making them more flexible if the considerations of the situation need to be prioritized more. There is nothing inherently selfish about wanting to be comfortable, safe, and alive. Boundaries enable this possibility.

It’s understandable to feel selfish when setting boundaries due to the cultural importance of selflessness. We care about others and want to avoid disrupting harmony with all of our relationships. It may feel like you’re betraying the trust and commitment that others have placed on you or create an awkward situation where letting people down is a possibility. While these are all important to be aware of, it is healthy to attend to yourself when necessary. Generosity and compassion are fantastic qualities to cultivate in ourselves, but any situation requires balance to be healthy. Again, boundaries allow for balance to be cultivated.

There are a few considerations to be mindful of when setting boundaries.

  1. Keep in mind that setting boundaries depends on the uniqueness of the person, situation, and setting. There will need to be a balance of rigidity and flexibility based on what that context needs. For some contexts there may need to be very rigid boundaries, and others may need more flexible boundaries. It is important to reflect and reassess your boundaries periodically, to ensure it fits the context.
  2. There might also be a surprise reaction in some settings if those people have never had boundaries in that setting before. Beware of those who may attempt to manipulate you to feel guilty about setting those boundaries. Embrace those that see the boundary setting as an opportunity to understand more of you and the collective responsibility you hold.
  3. We want to use empathy and sensitivity when communicating our boundaries. Be cautious to avoid using aggression in boundary setting. Some people have the misconception that setting boundaries involves getting into arguments and demonstrating intimidating behaviors to be firm when it is the practice of allowing only respectful interactions in that context.

It is not an easy process to set effective boundaries when dealing with these considerations; however, it becomes easier when we recognize our worth and the respect we deserve. Boundaries are not going to keep other people happy, but they will protect your well-being. Think of setting boundaries more as strengthening our relationships with others instead of building walls to keep others out.

So now that we’ve covered the intricacies of working with boundaries, how do we begin to set them?

  1. Check-in with your body using a body scan. Our bodies are very intuitive with informing us how feel emotionally and somatically about a person, situation, or setting.
    1. Does spending time in this setting, situation, or with this person drain you or fill you with energy?
    2. What emotions do you experience when in these contexts?
  2. Practice being in the present using mindfulness exercises. This allows your body to connect with your mind.
    1. Breathing exercises and meditations are good examples of mindfulness.
  3. Acknowledge your needs and attend to them. Assess your rights and determine which ones are not being respected.
    1. What does your body need at the moment? Does it need space? Food? Rest?
    2. Do you feel that you can say no without feeling guilty? Do you feel that you are treated with respect? Do you feel that you are allowed to not meet the unreasonable expectations of yourself created by others?
  4. Communicate your needs clearly in the form of a boundary.
    1. “I felt (emotion) when (action that was performed). Moving forward, I need (replacement action).” This is a good template to use when communicating your needs. Be cautious of placing blame, focus completely on the action and not on the person who acted.
    2. Assertive language is nonnegotiable and prevents miscommunication.
    3. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence without providing an explanation.
  5. Reach out for support, if needed.
    1. Delegate responsibilities if we are overwhelmed with what we’ve taken on.
    2. Seek out therapy if the burnout and mental exhaustion is overwhelming to handle or if you’re experiencing difficulties with setting or asserting boundaries.
    3. Rely on your support system to discuss the impact of the burden of responsibility.

One last thought is that everyone is deserving of respect and understanding of their personal space and tolerance. Including you.

If you would like to reach out to one of our mental health counselors for assistance in setting boundaries, please contact (915) 209-1234 for more information.

References

Chesak, J. (2018, December 10). The no BS guide to protecting your emotional space. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries

Domelle, A. (2019, January 10). How to set boundaries in relationships without feeling selfish. Medium. https://medium.com/thrive-global/how-to-set-boundaries-in-relationships-without-feeling-selfish-c95e26d8b3ed

The Keely Group. (n.d.). Is setting boundaries selfish? Or is it healthy? The Keely Group Online Therapy. https://www.onlinetherapynyc.com/blog/is-setting-boundaries-selfish-or-is-it-healthy

Mort, S. (2021, May 16). Are boundaries selfish? The answer is more complicated than you think. Dr Soph. https://drsoph.com/blog/are-boundaries-selfish-or-controlling

Empathy Intimate Partner Violence Relationships • By Stepp, Ph.D., LPC, LCCC, CART, CGSC 0 Comments

Intimate Partner Violence Amongst Men

This blog is dedicated to all individuals that have been subjugated to violence, abuse, and distress within their relationships even though this blog specifies abuse towards men. Readers’ discretion is advised.

 

 

This topic is a little more distressing than others.

However, I have found that this topic is important to discuss especially for those individuals that believe there is no way out, that nobody would understand, empathize, or care for their well-being after being subjugated to some form of abuse by a partner.

 

If you have been keeping up with the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard case, you may have come to realize the severity of intimate partner violence—no matter what stance you take within this case—one thing is imminent, men are and can become victims of abuse by their partner.

 

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is defined as intimate partner (whether current or former) who perpetrates violence through physical, sexual, psychological, stalking, and coercive acts (Douglas & Hines, 2011; Miller & McCaw, 2019). The CDC has considered IPV to be a national and social health problem affecting thousands of people each year (Douglas & Hines, 2011).

 

Past research has concentrated on IPV amongst women, however, as time has passed, more cases on IPV amongst men have risen and have become an important focus for our society, community, and health departments.

 

In 2010, a study conducted to measure IPV, 37.3% of women have experienced some form of sexual, physical, or stalking by their partner and 30.9% of men had experienced the same by their partners (Miller & McCaw, 2019).

 

Alongside this, 23.9% of women and 13.9% of men experienced severe physical violence by their partner where medical attention was needed (Miller & McCaw, 2019).

 

As we can see through these statistics, men experience a high percentage of IPV from their partners, so why are we not talking about it more?

 

Well according to Campbell-Hawkins (2019) in her study amongst African American males who experienced IPV, some barriers for obtaining help included fear of being viewed as weak by their society, culture, and peers.

 

Men will less likely seek out help when experiencing abuse due to their community’s stigma on what being a “man” consists of.

 

However, as we have seen through the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard case, it does happen, and it can lead to violence, aggression and abuse.

 

Even though the stigma on men says they “should” be stronger and able to defend themselves amongst women or their partners; these toxic ideologies can perpetuate suffering in silence for men.

Let’s talk about some of the abuse and IPV men can experience from their partners.

  • Physical abuse
    • This includes hitting, slapping, scratching, shoving, pushing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, throwing things to hit the person, destruction of property.

 

  • Psychological/Emotional abuse
    • Humiliation (i.e., “you’re not man enough,” “you’re a coward,” etc…)
    • Shaming, invalidating feelings (i.e., “quit being so sensitive you’re a man.”),
    • Isolation of family friends (i.e., severe jealousy), threats (i.e., removal of children, lawful consequences, self-harm/suicide threat if left, etc…)
    • Stalking and harassing either at work, home, social media, phone calls, to family members, and so on.
    • Manipulation/coercion
    • Screaming/yelling
    • Blaming
    • Chronic infidelity

 

  • Sexual abuse (yes, men can be sexually abused by their female partner)
    • Manipulation in doing something they do not feel comfortable during intimacy.
    • Threatening their masculinity (different from toxic masculinity) if they do not engage in specific acts.
    • Inserting foreign objects into the body without their permission.

 

These are some examples of IPV amongst men.

 

However, this does not minimize the abuse women go through as well, many of these examples also apply for women and other parties.

 

For men, it is also important to be aware of these examples and seek out help. There is help for you through no judgement and unconditional positive regard.

 

Remember, you are a person and should be treated as such.

 

This isn’t just a “woman” issue, it is a man issue as well and being aware, empathetic, and active in ending IPV in general is a community, society, and individual duty.

 

If you are or have experienced some of these examples, please do not hesitate to contact the National Coalition against Domestic Violence (NCADV) 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224

 

If it is an emergency, please call 911 immediately.

 

Kindly,

 

Elda Stepp, PhD, LPC, LMHC, CART

 

References

Campbell-Hawkins, M. Y. (2019). Intimate partner violence (IPV) and help-seeking: The experiences of African American male survivors (Doctoral dissertation, Walden          University).

Douglas, E. M., & Hines, D. A. (2011). The Help Seeking Experiences of Men Who Sustain Intimate Partner Violence: An Overlooked Population and Implications for Practice.      Journal of family violence, 26(6), 473–485. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-011-9382-4

Miller, E., & McCaw, B. (2019). Intimate partner violence. New England Journal of Medicine, 380(9), 850-857. DOI: 10.1056/NEJMra1807166.

 

 

 

 

 

Coping Relationships Self-Care By Jazmine Silva, MS, LPC, RPT 0 Comments

After Experiencing Relationship Hurt: 5 Healing Practices

Dear Reader,

 

When we are growing up, our primary caregivers are like mirrors.  They mirror back to us how they see the world, how they see others, and see us. Their way of relating and engaging with us and others impacts how we may see the world, others, and ourselves.

When reflecting on our own childhood experiences, we need to consider our primary caregiver’s mirrors.  They hold the reflections of their own caregiver’s mirrors which provide us with glimpses of transgenerational patterns and themes that may be passed down from one generation to another.  Hence, our world-views, the way we interpret the world, hold the mirrors of our caregivers, our culture, our ancestors, and own life experiences.

Over time, we internalize at a subconscious and conscious level our identity, our beliefs, and parts of ourselves.  Early life experiences highly influence the messages we learn about ourselves and how the world works.  This basically sets our subconscious programming.  

Is the world safe? Can I trust others? Am I worthy?  Am I capable? Am I enough? 

To further analyze what may influence these beliefs, we can explore the relational and emotional injuries that can occur in families and at a cultural level.

According to Dr. Mario Martinez, there are three common relational wounds we experience as human beings: shame, abandonment, and betrayal.

In his research and work, he also outlines the antidotes to those emotional injuries such as honor for shame, commitment for abandonment, and loyalty for betrayal.

Dr. Martinez encourages readers to seek evidence of individuals in our lives who have shown honor, commitment, and loyalty to help reframe our worldview.  Now, his message is one of empowerment where, if we can identify the origin of the wounding, we can then help it heal.

Now the words relational, emotional injury and wounding are used to reflect what we experience when being shamed, betrayed or abandoned, not as actual physical injuries, but to reflect the depth and complexity of the pain.

Below, I want to outline five practices to begin or compliment the healing journey after experiencing relational hurt.

An important ethical disclaimer:  This list does not in any way shape or form endorse staying in abusive relationships.  If there is any form of abuse in the relationship, sexual, emotional, physical or forms of neglect, it must be addressed with professional help.  I will outline our community resources available in the *References section and available hotlines as well.  This list is not exhaustive and is not meant to replace any form of therapy. If you believe you or someone you know would benefit from counseling you may call our office for more information.

So, what can we do if we have experienced any form of emotional wounds?

1. We need to take care of our body first. When we have experienced any type of emotional pain, our body registers the pain.  In fact, the brain cannot tell the difference between physical and emotional pain.  Pain is pain for the brain.  Hence, taking care of our sleep, nutrition, rest, and safety are incredibly important in allowing both our body and brain to recover and heal.  We want to take care of our body with more self-care than usual. This helps increase the level of safety and reduce levels of stress.

2. We need to reflect on the stories we are telling ourselves. Our brain thrives and yearns for purpose and meaning.  When we have incomplete fragments of what happened to us, it feels uncertain and our thoughts may loop, feel stuck, or feel intrusive in efforts to make sense of things.  Granted, there are things in life that are so painful that those experiences may not have any meaning because nothing will make sense of it.  If something truly doesn’t have meaning, then that’s completely fair and okay.  Helpful practices in processing meaning are practices such as journaling, contemplating, prayer, or meditation.  These introspective practices help increase our awareness while making meaning of our own story.

3. We need to surround ourselves around safe, supporting and encouraging individuals. When we experience a relational injury, it’s as if that’s all we see.  It’s the way we feel seen and known.  In fact, it limits and narrows our perspective to any other possible positive views of ourselves.  When we nourish our mind and heart with people who believe in the best of us and want the best of us, we make room for another internal dialogue and perspective that can truly feel liberating and healing.  This may mean spending more time with a supportive friend or family member who participates in active listening, expresses compassion and provides encouragement.

4. We need to reflect on what we’ve learned from the experience. In many cases, this is where reading books, listening to podcasts, and talking to others may be helpful in better understanding situations and dynamics; although the most important learning is the one that we derive from the experience.  Learning from external sources such as books and other resources can help us name what happened.  Like Dr. Daniel Siegel says, “When we can name it, we can tame it.”  Naming things has an empowering impact since it allows us to reclaim our reality, knowing that what we went through has a name.

5. In some cases, we need professional support. If that means a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, social worker, doctor, or any individual in a professional capacity who can help us or guide us, it’s highly encouraged.  We were never meant to do life alone.  In some cases, it’s liberating to admit, “I need help.”  Mental health professionals are there to help us understand ourselves, our emotions, beliefs, boundaries, and needs.  More importantly, counseling is a process where small changes have a compound effect on our desired goals.  In the beginning change feels small and unnoticeable, but, over time, we can see how much we have evolved, healed, and grown.

In closing, there may be experiences we may be holding on to that might be impacting our present.  If there are, know that for every injury there is an antidote and a way to reclaim our life and mental and emotional energy.  My hope for you is to live the life your heart longs for.

With warmth and kindness,

Jazmine

References

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Dial 1-800-799-7233  or Text: “START” to 88788

Community Centers in El Paso, Texas 

Center Against Sexual & Family Violence: Dial 800-727-0511

La Posada Home: Dial  915-544-4595

A., V. D. (2015). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. New York (New York): Penguin Books.

Martinez, M. E. (2016). The mindbody code: how to change the beliefs that limit your health, longevity, and success. Sounds True.

Wolynn, M. (2017). It didn’t start with you how inherited family trauma shapes who we are and how to end the cycle. Penguin Books.

Adverse Childhood Experiences Connection Emotional Needs Relationships Resilience Self-Care Trauma • By Jazmine Silva, MS, LPC, RPT 0 Comments

Why Emotional Needs Matter

Dear Reader,

 

“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”

-Brene Brown

As a former teacher, I have seen how important, in our culture, is to think our way through things with a heavy emphasis on thoughts and changing mindset.  There is no doubt that our mind is incredible and capable of amazing things.

Meta-cognition (thinking about our thinking) was very important in helping students develop critical thinking skills.  In essence, it helps us formulate decisions, problem solving, planning, and organizing.

Now, as a mental health counselor, I understand how important and essential emotional needs are.  So, let’s begin with one important question:

  Read more

Cognitive Empathy Connection Emotional Empathy Empathy Relationships Self-improvement • • By Stepp, Ph.D., LPC, LCCC, CART, CGSC 0 Comments

2 Important Types of Empathy

You matter.

What is empathy?

We have heard this word go around the internet and even in conversation when considering the emotions of others and those that surround us; but what is it really?

According to Lanzoni (2018), it is the ability to understand and experience the pain, happiness, excitement, sorrow, and so on of others. It is the ability to see the world through their eyes and comprehend their decisions along with the reactions to the world around them. Pretty powerful stuff, right?

However, empathy is much more than this definition.

So, a little history, the concept of empathy—or being able to comprehend and experience other’s pains—goes way back to the Greeks, more specifically, Aristotle. He believed that the human journey to happiness and humanity, consisted of being able to connect emotionally with others’ despair/happiness (Lanzoni).

            As time has progressed, science evolved, and the implementation of psychology and psychotherapy, so has the concept of empathy. Empathy has actually split into two different concepts of comprehension.

There is emotional empathy and cognitive empathy.

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Communication Connection Relationships Uncertainty Vulnerability • • • • • By Jazmine Silva, MS, LPC, RPT 0 Comments

5 Things to Consider when Navigating Uncertainty in Relationships

Dear Reader,

Naturally, life and human behavior can be both predictable and unpredictable.  In relationships uncertainty is closely tied to vulnerability.  “What ifs and How comes?” are questions that surface and recycle themselves both in our minds and in our hearts.

 

Therefore, to define uncertainty I like to reference Brené Brown’s research on vulnerability:

“I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow—that’s vulnerability.”

Simply put, uncertainty is a form of vulnerability and courage.  We do, hope and love in spite of our fears.  The challenge with uncertainty is that there are no promises, no guarantees or assurances.  It can truly trigger fear in us which can lead to a fight or flight response.  We can feel both activated and powerless at the same time.

That is not to say that we don’t like uncertainty.  To some degree it actually brings variety and spontaneity to life which can be delightful and fun.  But, in some cases, too much uncertainty can leave us feeling insecure and doubtful.

Therefore, let’s consider the following 5 things when navigating uncertainty in relationships:

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Communication Connection Relationships • • By Jazmine Silva, MS, LPC, RPT 0 Comments

Wired to connect. Wired to grow.

Dear reader, 

Are relationships feeling complicated?

As much as connecting is important and valuable, it can be a great source of conflict.  Sometimes, it’s assumed that being in a relationship should be natural, effortless or easy.  However, relationships require attention, effort, and development.  There are essentials ingredients to helping them work.

What research has shown is that we are wired to connect, both at a biological and intuitive level.  We need connection to survive and thrive.  But, what do we do when it’s just too complicated to get along?

There are ways to improve the quality of relationships.  The first step is to reflect on the quality of our current relationships.  Dr. Amy Banks, explains that a way to assess relationships is to rate and reflect on 4 ingredients such as: safety, acceptance, mirroring, and energy.

We are capable of improving the quality of relationships within what’s under our control.  There are variables that are simply not a reflection of us, but the other individual’s past and present circumstances.  With that said, that helps us know our own boundaries and how far we can develop a relationship without sacrificing our needs and dignity.

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