Category: Self-improvement

Setting Effective Boundaries

Most people know the story of The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein, and often praise the book as it deals with sharing and selflessness. The story covers a tree that is constantly providing for a little boy throughout his life, from small things like giving him leaves to make a crown, to inviting him to cut down the tree to make a boat. The tree continuously gives to the boy, even when there’s nothing left of her. While this can be a sweet story from the lens of sharing and selflessness, it also tells of the dangers of lacking boundaries. There is nothing left of the tree besides a stump, which the boy, now an elderly man, sits.

We can give and give until there’s nothing left of us, stating that it’s because we love others and only want to be of service. However, that’s not a sustainable and healthy way of living. When we give so much of ourselves, there’s barely anything left of us to continue giving at later points in time. It’s an exhaustive way of living.

So, why am I telling you about a book written for preschoolers?

Because it demonstrates the need for effective boundaries today.

Before we delve into the definition of boundaries, let’s examine whether you may be needing effective boundaries.

Do you often say yes to others when you would like to say no?

Do you spread yourself thin with responsibilities that your health and well-being start to suffer?

Do you experience anger, self-blame, and burnout as you struggle with having your needs met and respected?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you may be in need of establishing effective boundaries.

So, what are boundaries?

Boundaries are the guidelines in which we tell others and ourselves how we would like to be treated. They can involve our holistic well-being, our personal space, our values and beliefs, work responsibilities, our time and energy, just to name a few. Boundaries demonstrate respect for ourselves and others. They are important because they protect our energy and prevent burnout and exhaustion. Without effective boundaries, we are open to people who will take advantage, manipulate, and coerce us. Upholding boundaries in our relationships demonstrates what behaviors we expect from others without controlling them. It allows for respect and understanding that we are more than the role we fulfill in that relationship and setting.

Some examples of boundaries include:

  • Saying no to someone because you don’t want to engage in an uncomfortable activity.
  • Suggesting a different time to talk about a certain topic when both people have calmed down enough to speak respectfully to one another.
  • Turning down overtime at work when you’ve been feeling overworked.
  • Putting your private and personal items in a locked drawer in your bedroom.
  • Setting up a cut-off time for answering messages from work.
  • These boundaries may be difficult to enforce when we are conditioned to think it’s selfish.

What is selfishness?

Selfishness is described as the prioritization of one’s life and pleasure above all others’ needs and considerations. Someone is selfish when they consistently act in their own interests across every situation and regardless of the impact to others. While boundaries do consist of prioritizing ourselves and our needs, we do not go to the extent of disregarding others. Additionally, boundaries are different in rigidity and consideration than selfishness. You can alter the boundaries to best fit the situation, including making them more flexible if the considerations of the situation need to be prioritized more. There is nothing inherently selfish about wanting to be comfortable, safe, and alive. Boundaries enable this possibility.

It’s understandable to feel selfish when setting boundaries due to the cultural importance of selflessness. We care about others and want to avoid disrupting harmony with all of our relationships. It may feel like you’re betraying the trust and commitment that others have placed on you or create an awkward situation where letting people down is a possibility. While these are all important to be aware of, it is healthy to attend to yourself when necessary. Generosity and compassion are fantastic qualities to cultivate in ourselves, but any situation requires balance to be healthy. Again, boundaries allow for balance to be cultivated.

There are a few considerations to be mindful of when setting boundaries.

  1. Keep in mind that setting boundaries depends on the uniqueness of the person, situation, and setting. There will need to be a balance of rigidity and flexibility based on what that context needs. For some contexts there may need to be very rigid boundaries, and others may need more flexible boundaries. It is important to reflect and reassess your boundaries periodically, to ensure it fits the context.
  2. There might also be a surprise reaction in some settings if those people have never had boundaries in that setting before. Beware of those who may attempt to manipulate you to feel guilty about setting those boundaries. Embrace those that see the boundary setting as an opportunity to understand more of you and the collective responsibility you hold.
  3. We want to use empathy and sensitivity when communicating our boundaries. Be cautious to avoid using aggression in boundary setting. Some people have the misconception that setting boundaries involves getting into arguments and demonstrating intimidating behaviors to be firm when it is the practice of allowing only respectful interactions in that context.

It is not an easy process to set effective boundaries when dealing with these considerations; however, it becomes easier when we recognize our worth and the respect we deserve. Boundaries are not going to keep other people happy, but they will protect your well-being. Think of setting boundaries more as strengthening our relationships with others instead of building walls to keep others out.

So now that we’ve covered the intricacies of working with boundaries, how do we begin to set them?

  1. Check-in with your body using a body scan. Our bodies are very intuitive with informing us how feel emotionally and somatically about a person, situation, or setting.
    1. Does spending time in this setting, situation, or with this person drain you or fill you with energy?
    2. What emotions do you experience when in these contexts?
  2. Practice being in the present using mindfulness exercises. This allows your body to connect with your mind.
    1. Breathing exercises and meditations are good examples of mindfulness.
  3. Acknowledge your needs and attend to them. Assess your rights and determine which ones are not being respected.
    1. What does your body need at the moment? Does it need space? Food? Rest?
    2. Do you feel that you can say no without feeling guilty? Do you feel that you are treated with respect? Do you feel that you are allowed to not meet the unreasonable expectations of yourself created by others?
  4. Communicate your needs clearly in the form of a boundary.
    1. “I felt (emotion) when (action that was performed). Moving forward, I need (replacement action).” This is a good template to use when communicating your needs. Be cautious of placing blame, focus completely on the action and not on the person who acted.
    2. Assertive language is nonnegotiable and prevents miscommunication.
    3. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence without providing an explanation.
  5. Reach out for support, if needed.
    1. Delegate responsibilities if we are overwhelmed with what we’ve taken on.
    2. Seek out therapy if the burnout and mental exhaustion is overwhelming to handle or if you’re experiencing difficulties with setting or asserting boundaries.
    3. Rely on your support system to discuss the impact of the burden of responsibility.

One last thought is that everyone is deserving of respect and understanding of their personal space and tolerance. Including you.

If you would like to reach out to one of our mental health counselors for assistance in setting boundaries, please contact (915) 209-1234 for more information.

References

Chesak, J. (2018, December 10). The no BS guide to protecting your emotional space. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries

Domelle, A. (2019, January 10). How to set boundaries in relationships without feeling selfish. Medium. https://medium.com/thrive-global/how-to-set-boundaries-in-relationships-without-feeling-selfish-c95e26d8b3ed

The Keely Group. (n.d.). Is setting boundaries selfish? Or is it healthy? The Keely Group Online Therapy. https://www.onlinetherapynyc.com/blog/is-setting-boundaries-selfish-or-is-it-healthy

Mort, S. (2021, May 16). Are boundaries selfish? The answer is more complicated than you think. Dr Soph. https://drsoph.com/blog/are-boundaries-selfish-or-controlling

Stages of Change in Therapy – how understanding of ourselves helps us progress

When clients first come to therapy, they often wonder: “What do I want to gain from this? How can I get help if I don’t even understand what’s bothering me?”.

Maybe they tried therapy before and it “didn’t click” or they lost motivation, or simply couldn’t find time to commit to weekly sessions. What they DO know is they need help, they just need to find out what to do.

These feelings are very common when facing a big step such as going to therapy. The understanding of our motivation is one of the essential parts of getting better – not only knowing what the issue is – also the knowing why I want to change.

What to expect from the process of change?

How fast can I move forward?

What if I fail?

Being prepared will make us more confident and less anxious about the changes and will let us navigate the process in a more mindful way.

The Stages of Change or The Transtheoretical Model of Change is a clinical theory developed in the 1970’s by James Prochaska of the University of Rhode Island and Carlo Di Clemente.

The stages can be best explained as interrelated steps we go through with our thoughts and emotions when we are confronted with a difficult situation that needs changing.

The concept can be applied to anything from quitting drinking to breaking up an unhealthy relationship to healing from grief after losing a loved one. The stages follow an order and each of them has a purpose in creating change. They also occur gradually – from initial resistance and denial, a commitment and progression is created, and relapse is an expected part of the process.

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La Magia del Amor Interior

 

En esta escritura, los invito a buscar en sí mismos la magia, y no magia en la que se puede sacar un conejo de un sombrero o una moneda de las orejas del participante, si no una magia espiritual, magia de amor y los milagros.

 

¿Qué significa lo que digo? ¿Qué significa la magia espiritual, la magia de amor?

 

Primero propongo a que se pongan a pensaren todas las cosas que han declarado estar mal en su vida. El sentimiento de estar atrapado en un trabajo miserable, un matrimonio que no parece mejorar, en una situación solitaria, o una carrera en la que se estudió con fuerzas, pero no realizo los sueños.

 

Todos estos sentimientos son muy comunes entre la sociedad. Van a ver veces donde no sentimos que en nadas nos va bien, esto no significa que es el fin del esfuerzo. Esto solo quiere decir que estamos presenciando un cambio mágico. Desafortunadamente, no sabemos como apreciar esta magia, y pues, se nos va de las manos para no volver y después aprendemos arrepentirnos del momento perdido.

 

Así con esto, los invito aprender como cambiar nuestro sistema de vida para poder valorar esta magia espiritual en donde podemos apreciar los milagros del día tras día e incrementar nuestro estado de ánimo. Así para lograr amarnos a sí mismos.

 

El primer paso para esta magia espiritual y los milagros es aceptar que el sufrimiento es igual de importante que el amor.

 

El sufrir no es para siempre y después de este sufrimiento viene el amor y la paz. Sin el sufrimiento y el dolor interno, no sabríamos entender la verdadera belleza de nuestra humanidad. Es muy humano sentir coraje, tristezas, miedo, y felicidad. Cuando peleamos contra los sentimientos, imponemos reglas de amor.

 

¿Y qué quiere decir esto?

 

Que queremos decidir como amar cuando el amor no tiene reglas. Las reglas en el amor disminuyen la intensidad de su poder, la belleza humana, y la magia espiritual.

 

El autor Paulo Coelho explica que, -Sufrimos porque no conseguimos imponer nuestras reglas-

 

El amor interior y la magia espiritual consisten en poder amar sus sentimientos incomodos, sus sufrimientos, sus fallas, así como amamos nuestras alegrías y logros.

 

Amarnos sin condiciones, sin reglas.

 

Todos los días que aceptamos amar sin reglas, es una oportunidad para llenarnos de milagros y de la magia espiritual.

 

Los invito a poder sentir estos milagros diarios de manera humana donde valoramos lo bueno junto con lo malo, ver la vida de manera hermosa, y saber que todo es pasajero.

 

Agradecer y contemplar los días, el sol, la luna, la naturaleza, los sentidos, la familia, y el universo. Todas estas son los milagros que se nos han dado y cuando amamos, se vuelven mas intensos y mas bellos y dejamos de sufrir en un estado constante.

 

 -Los milagros pasan cuando dejamos de tratar en controlar nuestro alrededor- Paulo Coelho.

 

Amablemente,

Elda Stepp, LPC, LMHC, CART

La Tiranía de Las Emociones

 

Como seres humanos somos seres sujetos a emociones, de hecho, nuestro cerebro se divide en tres, la primera fase de este es su parte primitiva, que se le llama cerebro reptiliano, debido a que lo compartimos con los reptiles, esta parte del cerebro funciona preparándonos para el ataque o la huida, esta es carente de emociones, entenderemos entonces que el cuento de Peter Pan es sólo una fantasía, porque los reptiles, en ese caso, el cocodrilo no podría odiar al Capitán Garfio. Entonces, esta región del cerebro es totalmente carente de emociones.

 

La segunda estructura del cerebro es lo que denominamos el cerebro límbico o emocional, que participa en la función de la memoria, el control de las emociones, las motivaciones, diversos aspectos de la conducta, el aprendizaje, de hecho en la supervivencia.  Su anatomía incluye el fondo de saco, el hipocampo, la circunvolución cingulada, la amígdala, la circunvolución del hipocampo y partes del tálamo.

 

La tercera estructura es lo que denominamos el neocórtex, que representa lo que llamamos popularmente la materia gris, que es una concentración enorme de neuronas y en donde se procesa principalmente la inteligencia, teniendo una acción muy especial el lóbulo frontal.

 

Es importante aclarar que la división que he hecho de las diversas estructuras del cerebro es sólo teórica, porque en la práctica existe una interrelación muy estrecha entre ellas, por lo que una sin las otras no podría funcionar.

 

Pero vamos a concentrarnos en las emociones, nosotros seres humanos procesamos emociones como amor, miedo, ansiedad, tristeza, euforia, alegría, rabia, enojo y otras más, esto es por supuesto muy humano, completamente normal, pero ¿Qué ocurre cuando estas emociones se desbordan y se vuelven incontrolables? Entonces es cuando nos sentimos perdidos, nos desconectamos del mundo.

 

¿Cuántas veces hemos tenido la sensación de perder el control a consecuencia de cualquiera de las emociones mencionadas? Parece sencillo, de hecho, muchas personas a nuestro alrededor rápidamente nos aconsejan: Ya, tranquilo, domínate, no pasa nada, no exageres, Etc.

 

¿Pero de verdad es tan sencillo recuperar otra vez el control? Si respondemos sinceramente esta pregunta la respuesta, por supuesto, es no.

 

¿Qué es lo que nos lleva a perder el control?

 

Lo primero es la producción de una serie de mediadores químicos que produce nuestro cerebro, lo que genera un disparo emocional fuera de control, se producen mensajes a través de diversos caminos neuronales, sin dirección. Nuestra frecuencia cerebral predominante se ve alterada. Es el momento en que debemos pensar en solicitar ayuda profesional, que nos pueda devolver la calma, la cual debe ser proporcionada por una persona calificada, preparada para poder entender y ayudar en el manejo de las emociones.

 

En este proceso juega un papel muy importante nuestra mente inconsciente, que es donde se almacena la información de toda nuestra vida, la que almacena toda la información recibida incluso desde el periodo fetal, con la característica de que nuestra mente inconsciente no juzga, no califica, no comprende el humor, simplemente almacena información y esta información nos genera emociones que no alcanzamos a comprender y que obviamente impactan nuestra vida, lo cual explica el título de este escrito.

 

¿Qué pasa cuando sólo sentimos, pero no comprendemos el por qué?

 

Se generan emociones como la ansiedad, la tristeza, el miedo, etc. Y recurrimos a diversas instancias, como platicar con un amigo, con un médico, con un ministro religioso, cuando el profesional calificado sería un consejero, un psicólogo o un hipnólogo, quien nos ayudará a entender el origen de dichas emociones y a través de su guía poder controlar sus manifestaciones.

 

Si gusta más información sobre la hipnosis, no dude en llamar nuestra oficina (915) 209- 1234.

 

Sinceramente,

Guillermo Castañeda, Hipnotista Profesional

The Tummy & Brain Connection

What is the one thing that is most annoying when it comes to thinking your stomach?

        Is it doctors saying that you are overweight? Or family members commenting on your weight which in turn makes you feel terrible about yourself? Or is it not feeling good about how you look? How does this make you feel? How does this change your appetite? What about your health overall?

It’s common to struggle throughout the years to a point in which we don’t even want to hear the word “stomach” ‘tummy’ or even look at it. Maybe this has been the case for you or perhaps not.  However, our stomach is an important part of us.

Well, what would you think if I told you that your stomach is attached to your brain and affects your mood? For some of us, it may concerning to hear that since it may impact the way we treat it.

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2 Important Types of Empathy

You matter.

What is empathy?

We have heard this word go around the internet and even in conversation when considering the emotions of others and those that surround us; but what is it really?

According to Lanzoni (2018), it is the ability to understand and experience the pain, happiness, excitement, sorrow, and so on of others. It is the ability to see the world through their eyes and comprehend their decisions along with the reactions to the world around them. Pretty powerful stuff, right?

However, empathy is much more than this definition.

So, a little history, the concept of empathy—or being able to comprehend and experience other’s pains—goes way back to the Greeks, more specifically, Aristotle. He believed that the human journey to happiness and humanity, consisted of being able to connect emotionally with others’ despair/happiness (Lanzoni).

            As time has progressed, science evolved, and the implementation of psychology and psychotherapy, so has the concept of empathy. Empathy has actually split into two different concepts of comprehension.

There is emotional empathy and cognitive empathy.

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What if Questions Were the Answer?

 

Dear Reader,

 

As a counselor and a teacher, I know the value and importance of asking the right type of questions.  In essence, being intentional has value.  The questions we ask ourselves, often, guide our focus, critical thinking and problem solving.

 

I have learned that during difficult times, we have an inclination to shift to survival mode, which is typically appropriate and adaptive depending on circumstances and even past experiences.  This survival lens may influence our perspective and mindset.

 

It is important to keep in mind that if we have experienced any form of trauma, then there are additional layers that need to be considered besides shifting our mindset.  In fact, some of those layers include feeling safe, type of support system, and resources, among many more.

 

My intention is to invite a possible way of reframing some of our internal dialogue in spite of adversity.  The purpose of this is to help us change our perspective and view things in a way that may be more helpful than unhelpful.

 

Five Signs That Tell You It’s Time to See a Therapist

As a mental health professional who has been in the field for a while, it’s been interesting to observe why and how people end up in my office seeking guidance. The following is a list of indicators that may be signaling to you it could be time for you to seek support from a mental health professional.

  1. Your loved ones are noticing that you are different. Sometimes, we are not able to look at ourselves objectively…that is we can’t clearly see how we behave sometimes. It is like when you look into a mirror and only see certain flaws or spots in your face or body but can’t quite see the whole picture.  Those around us, specifically our loved ones, hold a special perspective of ourselves and can see different aspects of ourselves that we are not able to.  If loved ones, people who see us every day, or people who interact with us often notice unusual or “not typical” behaviors and point it out, they might be signals that mean we need some extra help from a therapist. They may tell you that they are concerned about things like substance abuse, irritability, mood changes, isolation, or your daily routines.
  2. You feel a sense of emotional discomfort that has lasted longer than 2 weeks. You’ve made it this far into life with all you’ve got, but sometimes, life can become daunting or unmanageable.  If you feel any sense of apathy, sadness, nervousness, worry, or uncertainty that has been unmanageable or if you’re noticing behavior changes like not wanting to engage in relationships, snapping back at others, feeling like you don’t want to do anything, not finding pleasure in old hobbies, or changes in your appetite, it might be time to take a closer look at yourself.  When these “signals” come up for longer than two weeks it might be time to get Read more

7 Types of Anxiety: Not all Anxiety is the Same

Anxiety is a totally normal response in daily life, it is a conditioned response that distinguishes us from inanimate objects. For example, when we feel hungry we have a feeling of anxiety, which preserves life.  The same is the case when an animal threatens us.  We tend to flee or defend ourselves, but when anxiety is shown disproportionately to the stimulus that caused it , or when it comes up for no apparent reason is when we are faced with a pathological situation.  Typically, this is when we seek and need help.

Usually the first answer is to go to anxiolytics, methods to reduce anxiety.  However, it is very important to find out the real triggers of anxiety so that we can feel and manage own our emotions again. That’s when we require the assistance of a professional. Anxiety of this kind deteriorates the quality of life; the world becomes a threat.

These manifestations can last a long time and/or present themselves intensely, leading to panic attacks and anxiety.  Many times, this can lead to an in individual to visit the emergency room in a hospital, where, of course, they do not discover physical problems.

Symptoms that usually occur include, but are not limited to:

  • Feeling nervous, agitated or strained
  • Feeling imminent danger, panic or catastrophe
  • Increased heart rate
  • Accelerated breathing (hyperventilation)
  • Sweating
  • Tremors
  • Feeling weak or tired
  • Problems concentrating or thinking about anything other than the current concern
  • Having trouble falling asleep
  • Having gastrointestinal problems
  • Having difficulty controlling concerns
  • Having the need to avoid situations that create anxiety

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Fibromyalgia and Mental Health

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Setting Effective Boundaries

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